Consumer interest rates are down, the S&P 500 is up overall on the year, and yet the dollar is... well, it's seen better days. Seems like it doesn't go as far as it used to. All the charts and graphs support what you and I know in our guts. I have this pal in Manhattan, Joey, who writes for a living - or something like it. Joey and I have been down a lot o' roads together, and even a couple of dark alleys.  Frankly times have been tight and his anxiety level's been high, giving him ghostly visions that woulda made even ol' MacBeth queasy. Here's what Joey told me about one recent dream.

Jimmy Cagney & the Truth In Dreams 

Joey was daring the spotlights that were scanning the warehouse where he was holed up. Like an old Jimmy Cagney movie, his black suit was dusty, his white shirt was open, and he had a bottle of whiskey beside him from which he took the occasional reinforcement. He took a quick look out the window at the crowd below, and shouted, “Never, you dirty, rotten bill collectors!” Then he ducked back to the haven beneath the sill.

“Joey, do you hear me?” a Verizon customer service rep hissed through a bullhorn. “This is Verizon. Your record stinks. We're giving you a final disconnect notice.”

“Already?” Joey replied, and looked down at the pile of bills scattered on the floor. “I have your bill right here,” he yelled out the window. “It’s only fifteen days overdue. Don’t I get a month or two before you disconnect my service?”

Just then a cop in the crowd lifted his own bullhorn. “Joey, this is Officer O’Hara. Come out with your checkbook open – or else!”

“Or else what, you dirty, stinkin’ copper?” Joey shouted back. A Citibank customer service rep was poised to make demand, but at that moment, a man from Con Ed grabbed the bullhorn. “Joey, do you know who this is? It's Con Ed.”

“What are you doin’ here?” Joey pulled on the whiskey bottle.

“You know as well as I do. Your electric bill is behind.”

“Behind?” Joey replied. “I’ll give you behind!” And with that, he mooned the crowd.

“Watch it, kid,” Officer O’Hara called through his bullhorn. “That’s indecent exposure. You could end up in the pen.”

"At least I wouldn't have to worry about my three hots and a cot," he shot back.

A lawyer, who had been unaccustomedly silent until now, reached for the bullhorn. “Joey, I’m a lawyer and I have an eviction notice from your landlord. You gotta vacate the premises in three days from the service of this notice, which I'm doing right now.” Then he tied the notice to a rock and hurled it through the warehouse window. “Read it and weep!”

Joey was showered with glass. “I need time,” he pleaded. “Don't ya see? There’s a check in the mail. I sold an article to Travel & Leisure Magazine. They owe me almost three grand.”

The crowd burst into peals of laughter, “Not that sorry tale again!”

"Seriously! Accounting told me they mailed it last Tuesday."

“It's in the mail?” the lawyer said with a cynical glance. A hushed murmur rose up. “No dice, kid. What kind of chumps do you think we are?” Just then a horn trumpeted like a bugle from the 5th Cavalry, and the mail truck drove up. The crowd turned toward this late arrival. The mailman jumped out, proudly holding up a white envelope. He called up to the warehouse. “I got your check right here, Joey.”

“Did you hear that, you dirty rats?” Joey called back, and stood up, dusting himself off. “I got the check.”

The lawyer stepped up and studied it. “It’s from Travel & Leisure all right, and, from the look of it, I’d say it’s definitely a check!”

A hubbub rippled through the multitude. Joey walked out of the building, a free man and made his way through the crowd. He reached out to the mailman and took the check, shaking the civil servant's hand. “Thanks, buddy.” He tore it open and kissed the little piece of paper that had just saved him from a fate worse than death. The crowd cheered, and his conscience eased. "There's no place like home," he murmured as his slumber transported him into a very different classic movie. With that, Joey smiled and slipped into a much more peaceful sleep.
 

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